Introduction
Let's explore Autistic relationships, focusing on nurturing healthy relationships through understanding and support. This exploration encompasses a multitude of factors that impact Autistic relationships, including biological and psychological aspects, sexuality, and cultural and societal influences. It will provide insights into what healthy relationships look like for Autistic folks and how Autistic folks can navigate relationships. Remember that every relationship is unique and it takes effort from both partners to build a strong and intimate connection. So whether you are an Autistic individual seeking guidance on relationships or a neurotypical partner looking to better understand your Autistic partner, this article is a valuable resource for promoting healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
Important Factors to Consider in Autistic Relationships
Biological Factors
Autistic brains are wired differently so it's important to understand the different parts of the brain that are involved in navigating relationships and how Autistic brain differences can contribute to how Autistic folks approach relationships. Several parts of the brain are involved in relationships and attachments.
The Amygdala: This is often referred to as the emotional centre of the brain. It plays a role in processing emotions and fear responses, which can affect how individuals form and maintain relationships.
The Hippocampus: This region is crucial for memory formation. It helps us remember past interactions, which influences our future behaviour in relationships.
The Prefrontal Cortex: This area is responsible for decision-making, social behaviour, and empathy. It helps us understand others' emotions, predict their behaviour, and make decisions in our relationships.
The Ventromedial Prefrontal Cortex: This part of the brain helps us evaluate rewards and risks in social situations, guiding our social behaviour.
The Anterior Cingulate Cortex: This region is involved in conflict detection, helping us notice when there's a problem in our relationships that needs addressing.
Autistic folks often experience differences in these areas of the brain, which can influence how they form and navigate relationships. For instance, they might process emotions, and social or sensory information differently due to variations in the amygdala or prefrontal cortex. They may also have unique memory processing or conflict detection patterns. However, it's crucial to remember that these differences are not deficits. Autistic people can form deep, meaningful relationships - they might simply approach them differently.
Psychological Factors
Autistic folks often experience co-occurring mental health conditions, highlighting the significance of comprehending their impact on relationships. The high prevalence of anxiety and social anxiety among Autistic individuals can lead to concerns about relationship endeavours and future relationship outcomes (Hancock et al., 2020). Research suggests that Autistic individuals may face challenges in identifying and expressing their own needs and emotions, resulting in communication difficulties and misunderstandings within their relationships (Sala et al., 2020). Additionally, studies exploring the experiences of Autistic women in relationships indicate difficulties in navigating the less structured and rule-bound nature of dating, which can contribute to feelings of anxiety and unpredictability. Furthermore, the effort required to engage in social interactions is often highlighted as a factor impacting their relationships, leading to a need for respite due to the strain of consistent socialisation (Kock et al., 2019). Understanding and addressing these psychological factors is essential for Autistic folks to build healthy relationships.
Sexuality
Autistic folks have diverse romantic experiences and feelings, much like non-autistic folks, although research has indicated that Autistic folks, especially Women Assigned Female at Birth (AFAB), report same-sex attraction and gender non-conforming feelings more than the general population (Dewinter et al., 2017; Kock et al., 2019). Unfortunately, the "double minority" status may expose individuals to stigma, marginalisation, and discrimination, impacting their mental health, identity formation, and quality of life. It can lead to concerns about finding partners who can understand and accept their unique identities as autistic sexual minorities (Lewis et al., 2021). Autistic sexual minorities may face challenges in being accepted and understood by both the autistic community and the LGBTQIA+ community, leading to feelings of being misunderstood and isolated (Lewis et al., 2021). It's crucial to create safe and inclusive spaces for Autistic folks of all sexual orientations and gender identities to explore their relationships without fear of stigma or judgement.
Relational Factors
Autistic folks often encounter difficulties when it comes to expressing and understanding emotions in their relationships. They may also have unique sensory perceptions that can impact their interactions with others. Challenges in comprehending their partner's actions and perceptions can sometimes lead to misunderstandings. Furthermore, autistic folks may experience reduced social engagement, which can affect their relationships, induce anxiety, and limit opportunities to learn about romantic dynamics from peers (Hancock et al., 2020). Engaging in the social norms of flirting and courtship, as well as accurately interpreting others' interest or knowing how to respond to signs of interest, can pose challenges for autistic individuals (Sala et al., 2020). It's essential to recognise these relational factors and work on building communication and understanding in relationships.
Cultural Factors
Autistic folks can feel that they need to conform to societal norms and expectations of relationships even if it doesn't suit their unique needs. Self-acceptance is a complex and ongoing process and many Autistic folks describe feeling different from others and struggling to accept themselves due to societal norms and expectations (Lewis et al., 2021). Some Autistic folks that are also part of the LGBTQIA+ community feel pressure to conform to both neurotypical and hetero-normative standards, which makes it even more difficult to embrace their unique identities (Lewis et al., 2021). Additionally, research has indicated that Autistic folks can have concerns regarding the future of relationships including worries about becoming dependent on others, cohabiting with a partner, and the potential expectation of having children (Kock et al., 2019).
Misconceptions
There have been past misconceptions that Autistic folks are not interested in romantic relationships and/or are asexual. Although this may be the case for some Autistic folks there are heaps of Autistic folks in healthy relationships. Sedgewick et al.'s (2019) study indicated that the quality and length of romantic relationships of Autistic and non-Autistic women were very similar. Some Autistic women were happily married or in positive long-term relationships, as well as those who were single and dating or not pursuing romantic relationships. Despite facing some challenges, Autistic women were found to have friendships and romantic relationships just as close as non-Autistic women, and they were highly satisfied with these relationships. Additionally, other research has shown that there are no differences in the importance of partners, relationship closeness, and satisfaction between Autistic and non-Autistic individuals in long-term romantic relationships (Sedgewick & Douglas, 2023).
What do Healthy Relationships look like for Autistic Folks?
There are several key enablers of intimacy and healthy relationships for Autistic folks (Kock et al., 2019; Sala et al., 2020; Sedgewick & Douglas, 2023):
Communication: Open and honest communication forms the foundation for fostering and maintaining intimacy in a relationship. It serves as a vital channel through which couples can discuss problems, share thoughts and feelings, and resolve issues. Meaningful conversations enable partners to deepen their connection, build trust, and strengthen their bond. This mutual exchange of thoughts, emotions, and perspectives creates a safe space for both individuals to express themselves authentically and work together towards a healthier and happier partnership.
Sharing and Similarity: When it comes to relationships, it is crucial to share common interests, experiences, and values with your partner. Autistic folks have emphasised the importance of having similar lived experiences, particularly regarding certain difficulties or diagnoses, as it helps establish a deeper connection between them and their partner (Sala et al., 2020). By connecting through shared experiences, Autistic folks can cultivate more profound and meaningful relationships.
Respect and Safety for Self and Others: Maintaining intimacy requires prioritising mutual respect and safety. For Autistic Folks, it is crucial for their partners to deeply understand and consistently respect their boundaries and sensory needs. By fostering an environment that values and recognises these unique aspects, a relationship can thrive with trust, empathy, and connection.
Working on the Relationship: To develop a strong and enduring relationship, it is essential to dedicate time and effort to its nurturing. This entails actively working through challenges together, showing patience and understanding towards each other's perspectives and emotions. By fostering open communication and a willingness to compromise, couples can establish a solid foundation that can withstand the test of time. It is crucial to remember that relationships require ongoing effort and a commitment to growth and mutual support.
How Autistic Folks Can Navigate Relationships
Understanding and Communicating Needs
Autistic folks have unique needs that should be taken into consideration when entering a relationship, promoting effective communication. Expressing needs and seeking assistance can be challenging for everyone, but it may pose additional difficulties for Autistic folks. Recognising and articulating your needs can facilitate smoother communication with others. It is also beneficial to proactively discuss your needs rather than waiting for conflicts to arise. If someone fails to meet your needs, offering potential solutions can be helpful. However, if someone is unwilling or unable to meet your needs, it may raise concerns within the relationship. Your needs may be specific, requiring tailored forms of support. Therefore, effectively communicating how others can support you becomes essential. Being self-aware of your unique needs empowers you to advocate for yourself by effectively expressing your preferences and needs to others.
Examples of needs for Autistic folks may include:
Socialising may be exhausting for you and you may need more alone time and only be able to attend social events for shorter durations.
You may need clear expectations and information about social situations.
You may need more space and time to process emotions.
You may have coping strategies that you use when feeling overwhelmed and need others to give you space to use these coping strategies or require support to implement them during these times.
You may have a unique way of addressing your sensory overwhelm and needs.
You may have differences in communication and require more time to process verbal information or for others to communicate to you in an alternative way.
You may feel more comfortable with having a consistent routine.
Conclusion
In conclusion, it is important to recognise and understand the unique challenges that Autistic folks may face in relationships. It is essential for both partners to have open and honest communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to work through challenges together. By promoting acceptance, understanding, and support for Autistic folks in relationships, we can create a more inclusive and loving society.
References
Dewinter, J., De Graaf, H., & Begeer, S. (2017). Sexual Orientation, Gender Identity, and Romantic Relationships in Adolescents and Adults with Autism Spectrum Disorder. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 47(9), 2927–2934. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-017-3199-9
Hancock, G., Stokes, M. A., & Mesibov, G. (2020). Differences in Romantic Relationship Experiences for Individuals with an Autism Spectrum Disorder. Sexuality and Disability, 38(2), 231–245. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11195-019-09573-8
Harms, L. (2021). Understanding Human Development. (3rd Ed.) Oxford University Press)
Kock, E., Strydom, A., O’Brady, D., & Tantam, D. (2019). Autistic women’s experience of intimate relationships: the impact of an adult diagnosis. Advances in Autism, 5(1), 38–49. https://doi.org/10.1108/AIA-09-2018-0035
Lewis, L. F., Ward, C., Jarvis, N., & Cawley, E. (2021). “Straight Sex is Complicated Enough!”: The Lived Experiences of Autistics Who are Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Asexual, or Other Sexual Orientations. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 51(7), 2324–2337. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-020-04696-w
Sala, G., Hooley, M., & Stokes, M. A. (2020). Romantic Intimacy in Autism: A Qualitative Analysis. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 50(11), 4133–4147. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-020-04377-8
Sedgewick, F., Crane, L., Hill, V., & Pellicano, E. (2019). Friends and Lovers: The Relationships of Autistic and Neurotypical Women. Autism in Adulthood, 1(2), 112–123. https://doi.org/10.1089/aut.2018.0028
Sedgewick, F., & Douglas, S. (2023). Understanding autistic relationships across the lifespan : family, friends, lovers and others. Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9781003044536
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